–A what?

-A tumor.

-A tumor as in the cancer kind of stuff? Do you mean that shitty stuff that can turn you from alive to dead? You’re kidding me, right?

The day I heard I am the possessor of a tumor was the most revealing day of my life. You get the news and you expect yourself to stay positive, but out of the blue, your mind will make connections you will not expect. And then THE question hits you: what if you are going to die? In front of death, we are all equal. It will get you one day anyway, but hey, nobody expects to die in their 40’s.

It took me more than three years to dare to write about this very personal part of my life, but I shall do it now because now I am ready to share my story, maybe it will help someone or even, just for my own release.

That summer I was tired all the time, it didn’t matter if it was morning or evening, I was just constantly needing to sleep, it was an effort to even stand up from the chair, or to wash my hair. Somehow, I knew there was something not right with my body. Now I know your inner alarm will never let you down, your intuition. One of the lessons my lovely tumor taught me was to always trust my intuition. If the inner me feels that something is wrong, it proved to be so all the time, if my intuition tells me to pursue this or that because this or that is the right path, it always turns out to be so.  I was 39 that summer. My life at that time was kind of messy. I was divorced and back again with my ex-hubby trying to resuscitate a relation that was like a roller-coaster, I was just moved for more than a year to a country where all I had was my child, struggling to learn the language, applying for jobs, and missing my roots all the time. My daughter was 12 and we were (already for a long time) most of the time just the two of us. I wouldn’t say I was completely unhappy, because I find happiness in many things in my life, but I was also not happy. I was mostly going with the flow.

So I have decided to run some blood tests, thinking that most probably the level of minerals, vitamins, stuff was too low, and maybe have a body scan if necessary. That summer I was in my home country.  I went for the results of the blood tests and during the pelvic echography I hear the doctor in that quiet sterile room: I would advise a body scan, there is something here, do you see this? And she shows me the screen. No, fuck, what is there? I only see some black spots on a screen, what should I see there? butterflies? caterpillars? Well, I think there must be a tumor, but I can not be sure until we run a body scan. Tumor, he? Why would I have a tumor? I am not even 40 yet.  She sends me to another hospital to another doctor friend of hers and tells me all will be fine. Of course, it will be fine, I don’t have any stupid tumor lady! I am thinking rolling my eyes.

In the taxi on the way to the other hospital, I can hear my thoughts: what if you have a real tumor, a fatty one which will kill you for good, what if you are going to die you dumbass, what will happen to your child, leave me alone I have no tumor, this is totally insane, can it maybe be because of all the sugar I eat, see I always said I must stop eating sugar, I can not die yet, I have still so many countries to see and books to read, I must see my daughter growing, this is just not possible, it is all just a joke. The body scan took like forever, I was half frozen laying on that moving table, probably more of fear than of cold. I have to wait. Here she comes. I am trying to read on her face how bad it is. She invites me inside her office and there she goes: there is indeed a tumor, in fact, two small ones connected to each other, it must be removed anyway and checked to see if it is a good or a bad tumor, if a tumor can ever be good.

The next day I must fly back home. All the way back home I am thinking why me and promise myself to not make a drama out of it, I will act just like a have basic flu. It’s gonna be fine. Back to my adopted country, another two opinions, another check, and a decision: they will remove the lovely tumor, they think it is a good one (benign) and together with it, one ovary, because the shitty thing is connected to it and they don’t wanna risk it.  Fast forward … some weeks passed until the day of the surgery. What I wanna say is that these days changed me and the perspective I had on life in a way I did not expect. Suddenly, I knew what is important in my life. It turned on the light and I knew I needed a plan. I needed to save myself from myself, to reinvent all my believes, to clean up around me, and to start living for real. It made me question everything, even the toothpaste I was using. All this time it was just me, myself and I. The day I had the surgery, he had forgotten I was in the hospital, he thought work was more important than to be home those two hard weeks. My 12-year daughter took care of me and my neighbor sometimes (I have no words to describe how grateful I am to this woman for she is always there for me, always having a good word, never judging me). In those weeks, I was feeling all alone.

This period of my life took me out of my pink clouds and throw me directly into the reality of this world. And then I told myself: girl, from now on, you’re on your own! You must build your life on your own inner harmony, with your own ideas about life, making your wishes come true regardless of others. Don’t expect anything from anybody, nobody is owning you anything.  Expectations always hurt, so expect less or better nothing. Life is a gift and you should live it as you please. No one will be happy for your success, except your family. Without reason, no one is your true friend. Whenever you will fall, the only ones trying to catch you will be your family. Everyone has a role in your life and when that is over, they will leave you, therefore you must learn to be strong.  Money can not buy everything, definitely not your heart. Never ever sacrifice your happiness for anybody else than your own child. Laugh with everyone, but trust just a few. No one gives a shit about what you think or what you do, it is only your own perspective that they think about you. You know that relationship you are trying hard to save for more than a year, but is obviously not working? Let it go, it’s a waste of time and energy, and damn, life is short! By the way, it will make you sick one day, trust me! Let people do whatever they like, choose only what enriches your life, your mind, and your heart. 

When you learn to find happiness in yourself, you will be a rich person. When you learn how strong you are, you will move mountains. When you will see that your peace depends totally on you, you will have a life just like a sunny summer day. Do you know why? Because you can! Never let others tell you otherwise!